It has struck me that the body dysmorphia I am experiencing seems to be an overwhelming combination of neuroticism, openness, and orderliness. I fear that if I am not perfect that others will be better than me and acquire opportunities, sexual experience, along with many other things if I am not perfect. I know this isn’t healthy and it is starting to rule my life. I feel I need to look perfect to be sort of “top dawg”. I am starting to neglect responsibilities and slip into a nicotine fueled spiral to become perfect. It’s ironic that the feeling of wanting to be perfect is destroying the actual act of becoming “perfect”. I feel this is because I want to make sure the goals I am striving for are perfect in my own terms. But who knows what perfect is. I see this is wrong but I don’t know how to stop. I need to eliminate continuously searching for better looking men and highly successful men and dreaming of the same. It is doing nothing more than leaving me in the past. I’m being eaten by time. But I am the chef expediting this process. I need to look at other facets of my life to become well rounded. I don’t know. I’m tired and need to think more tomorrow. Apart from this, the snow storm is a sight to behold.