I think about the passage of time. It brings an amalgam of overwhelming sensations that I believe only those trained in masking the truth of life can ignore. The past has done with me what it wanted to do. After talking with B today I wanted nothing more than to return 5 years in the past. Everything is changing, everything is moving as it always does.

My heart is strange, murphy is aging, time is accelerating, my life is stagnant, my projects unfinished, my fears are real, my mask is off, my family is decimated, I long for the past, but also to be greater, my time is waning, I can see it. Escape is needed. See nothing but hell feel nothing but hell S is gone, her memories are very strong in mind School is gone, its memories not as strong. Cannot produce good Memory is wistful torture. Too late, its gone, the rest is hell, the rest is void.

But in the same breath this suffering gives way to immense love for those who have made my life better, its an overflowing love for the memories I have with these people, including those negative. I would give up anything to get 1 day during those times. I truly have loved before.